Challenging News

My mom got the news that she has cancer again in her mouth and they are recommending surgery on her tongue for the 3rd time. The first was 8 years ago, the 2nd was in Sept. and the 3rd they would like to schedule in the next 2 weeks. My mom smoked More 100's (the weird brown cigarettes) for 40 years and finally quite after her first surgery. When confronted with the fact that they cause cancer, 10 years ago she told people flippantly, "Well, none of us are getting out of here alive!"

But now her defiance is gone and so is her denial and she is facing a very changed lifestyle when she gets out of the hospital this time and I'm not sure she fully comprehends that. When she had surgery on Sept. 9, 2009, it was 3 days before Eric and I got married and was supposed to be a 2-day stay at HCMC. What actually happened is that because of some other medical issues and the poor care she received there, it turned into 2 weeks at HCMC. And because with a surgery in the mouth they prefer to put in a stomach tube at the same time, the idea was she would go to the transitional care unit adjacent to her apartment building where she would recover and learn to feed herself via the tube and then be able to go back to her own apartment. What actually happened was that she spiraled into depression and apathy, refusing to learn how to feed herself or most days to even put on clean clothing. Most of that 6 weeks she laid in her hospital gown, enjoying the care she was given, watching TV and not really caring that her independent life was waiting for her and slipping away. She came close to losing her apartment because it's subsidized housing and they will only pay for so long if she needs that level of medical attention. Ultimately, she didn't move out of there and back into her own apartment until I pushed her doctors to remove the stomach tube. I know my mom, she will not starve herself so I figured if she got rid of the tube she would start eating pureed foods and move to solids like they recommended. And that's what happened and she was able to get back into her own apartment after a long battle.

But this time is different. They are going to remove the same amount of tissue as last time, which means she will have virtually no movable tongue left and that means her ability to swallow and speak will be greatly reduced. They will want put in a feeding tube again and while she claims she will try to learn how to feed herself, the best predictor of how a person will behave is how they behaved in the past. I had a friend suggest that perhaps that was OK-that it was OK that she gave up her apartment and started living in a dependant fashion because maybe that was what she needed and also it would take some stress off of my sister and I. I think she's right-that this appears to be the time, not for me to fight and push for her to get back into her apartment because that's what I want and think is best for her, but for me to stand back and let her actions dictate what she does.

I feel like I'm still taking it all in right now and grateful I have Such great support from Eric and my sister Christine.